literature

Interest grows Pg.3

Deviation Actions

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Literature Text

“Captain,” the woman huffed trying to catch her breath. Dioxide turned to the woman confused. “ please, Captain Nitrous and your… your new lieutenant… there’s a fight on the deck.” Dioxide grinned nervously and she quickly tossed her clipboard to her first ranked lieutenant. Agent Polo had his hands full with a bag of cheetos in one hand and a Pepsi in the other, but he still managed to catch the clipboard.
“Really,” Polo shoved another cheeto in his mouth, “Nitrous in a fight? I’d never believe it.” He rolled his eyes in the sarcasm. Chrome, Nitrous’ first lieutenant laughed next to him, before shoving his hand in Polo’s bag of cheetos to retrieve a handful. “Hey!” Polo moved the bag away from the elf eared Chrome,”Get your own!” Struggling to keep the balance of items in his hands Polo fell to his knees. “You’re a d*ck, man.”
“Ahahah! You’re so coordinated!” Chrome mocked Polo. Dioxide rolled her eyes at them and tucked her blonde bangs behind her ears.
“What do you mean?” Dioxide wasn’t too worried. Nitrous tends to get into fights a lot, but Dioxide followed the woman anyway. Dioxide is usually the only one able to calm Nitrous down from a rampage. On their way down a wide hall they were stopped by a young teenage girl with rainbow hair. Neon was a young student in the agencies academy. Who followed Dioxide and Nitrous in her spare time since Neon specializes in Nitrous’ division.
“Hey, hi, what’s up?” Neon said in her usually high spirited voice. She grinned from ear to ear, always so perky.
“Nitrous is in a fight.”
“Again?”
“With my lieutenant.”
“Dude! I am so beating you there!” Neon ran ahead to the metal stairs.
“Hey! You little…. Ugh.” Dioxide trotted after her. They ran down the stairs, the woman how came to get Dioxide stood at the top of the stairs looking down upon the fight scene.
“Ugh! You stupid…” Zirco was cut off. He was lying on back on the cold metal deck, while Nitrous had her big black army boot to his neck.
“Stay down if you feel like keeping your scrotum below your neck line!” yelled Nitrous, standing over the fuming man. He punched her leg that was stuck to his neck and she let out a surprised yell and fell on top of him. They started to wrestle yelling insults back and forth. Dioxide ran over to them. Neon watched, laughing at the funny situation.
“What are you?! Freaking five year olds?!” Dioxide exclaimed. He grabbed the back of Zirco’s collar since he was presently on top. Nitrous delivered him a kick to the chin. He struggled to continue fighting until Dioxide flung him backwards a few feet. Her remarkable strength astounding him. She grabbed Nitrous, stood her up and pushed her back a few feet in the opposite direction of Zirco. Dioxide turned to Nitrous. “What’s your problem?! Did you eat a big bowl of “pms” for breakfast?!”
“That a**hole started it!” Nitrous bellowed as she glared at Zirco, practically foaming at the mouth.
“You stupid hag! You’re the one who picked the fight!” Zirco declared in his defense.
“You swung at me!”
“I don’t care who started it! I’m ending it! Do I have to put you both in time out?!” Dioxide butted in between the new enemies.
“I’d like to see you try.” Uttered Nitrous cockily.
“Don’t you have paperwork to fill out?” questioned Dioxide.
“I was meditating until that d*ck,” Nitrous pointed to Zirco, who was calming down a bit from the fight.” Interrupted me.” Zirco was about to speak his reasoning until Dioxide interrupted him.
“I don’t care. Shake hands like decent citizens and get the hell over it.” Dioxide commanded. Neon started laughing hysterically.
“I’d love to see that!” Neon said between giggles. She stopped laughing when Nitrous turned her glare to her. Neon laughed nervously for a second. “I’m gunna’ be over there if you need me.” She quickly jogged to the stair case.
“Now say you’re sorry or I’ll hide your iPod again.” Dioxide threatened to Nitrous. “And this time you’ll never find it.”
“I doubt that.” Proclaimed Captain Nitrous. She, in turn, received a glare from Captain Dioxide. Nitrous sighed heavily then turned her look to Zirco. He cocked an eyebrow at her. They were tired, angry and aggravated. They stepped in front of Dioxide, who had her arms crossed over her chest. They held out their hands and each grabbed with a stiff firm hand shake. It barely lasted two seconds, Zirco shoved his hands in his pockets and examined Nitrous’ look. She huffed, crossed her arms, turned and headed towards the stairs. When she got there she turned around to catch another glimpse of the person able to actually fight her. He was still watching her, observing. As soon as she caught his eyes again she looked away, rolling her eyes then headed up the stairs, followed by grinning Neon.
Dioxide sighed and cocked her head to the side, closing her eyes. She looked at Zirco who was gazing at the stairs. He turned his gaze to the lake thinking about many things. “I need a smoke” he thought, and then a grin crossed his pale pink lips.
Lesseee where i left off... AHH YESH. right thurr.

END OF EPISODE :iconjarryplz:
heerrrmmmmm... lessee...
either Dairy of Jane [link]
OR
Lobotomy for Dummies [link]
should be credit song :iconirapeitplz:


last page: [link]

Periodic folder----> [link]


:icongrin--plz: thanks for reading !
© 2009 - 2024 Crazy-Lsh
Comments6
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Spishnittlestick's avatar
Hey there, I figured you would want more feedback :p

So, the piece is interesting, but there are a few things I'd like to suggest.

When describing a scene, try to pump it full of even more imagery. Describe facial expressions, hair, muscle tension, colors, feels ... really get into it. Try to develop your characters a bit more, give each specific personalities and interests. Once you create the character, then you can determine the scenario much, much easier. To help you with this, maybe make a character sheet for each of your main characters. Describe their moods and the traits that make them unique, how they think and feel, and their overall perception of life. It'll help you see the story through their eyes, and create a more authentic piece :)

The fights are rather frequent, and all very childish. I think you should create a scenario in which you lead up to more of a climax. I'm not so much for the constant, childish insults, really. I get that enough at home, so it's not as enjoyable for me to read about it xD Generally if you have someone being childish, you want a compliment of someone calmer and more sophisticated with a bit more of a witty sense of humor.

I think you know your characters well, and I think your characters know your other characters well. I think you need to spend a little more time developing a few of them, and then there will be a uniqueness to them, so your audience will be much more familiar and much more able to feel for the characters. I think, anyway. This isn't my favorite genre, so I might be clueless xD

I write very differently. I'm much darker in my styles. I'll have to sit down with the goal of writing something someday, if I ever get to it xD

Maybe I'll create a character through my sketches that I really feel for, and I'll write a piece based on him or her. We'll see :)

Still, good job so far, and if you ever think you want a bit more of a thorough editing job, I'll print out a copy sometime, go through it, and see what I can do to revise it :) Just let me know if you're interested, and know that I'm no professional xD

I look forward to the next chapter, regardless :)